Black lives matter Period, Exclamation point.
I can say this without implying that other lives don't matter.  To pretend we don't have something going on in America right now, is to be blind.  Blue lives matter.  So I have a foster son who is black and a nephew who is blue.  I love and cherish them both and distain the person to kill them.  I am a white woman, however, I vow to both cherish life and cherish diversity.  I have a Mexican daughter that I LOVE, and African American son that I LOVE and an Italian daughter that I LOVE, South African friends that I LOVE.  But this angst hurts my heart! Don't look at me as a white woman who does not care!  I care!! Don't judge me by my skin or my gender~  How can people be so shallow as to see skin deep?  There is such richness in knowing people different than yourself.  Whether city to rural or culture to culture or race to race.  It pains me greatly to know that African Americans live with anger and fear.  That other races feel demoralized or less than.  If you are living and drawing breathe, you can thank God and God alone who is an amazing and creative God, rich in diversity and creativity. You matter!  Why just love your own daisy, love the hibiscus or the exotic plants or the dessert plants which all show such beauty, but differently. 
Show me eyes that are deep and connect.  Help me Lord, connect with eyes that are shallow and have not been seen. Oh God search me and see if there is any offensive way in me and show me the way to LOVE! For if You made them, they are worthy of dying for!

Lifted

I have a praise, without knowing exactly how, my grief has lifted.  Oh last week was hard.  Mark sent me a picture of her and dad's chairs in Paul and Jane's cabin.   I burst into tears. For all the nevers.  Never get to go "home" to 4613 again.  Mourning the loss as I mentioned in the last post, but then somewhere between Friday to Monday...it lifted.  Midway through the week I realized I felt lighter.  Happy. Peaceful.  Oh dear sweet Jesus, please let them remain for I did not recognize the me of the last 10 months.  I do not want to be sad and not caring any more.  It's time to live and feel and embrace. 
I am thankful.
I have learned a thing or 2 about complicated bereavement and yet I believe it was merely a blessing and a trust.  I pray Lord that it will not return.  The dark and the bereft.
We'll be OK.  I'll be OK.  Help me embrace all that is coming our way and to use this returned energy wisely, Oh Lord please help me.
In the powerful name of Jesus I pray!

The beginning of the end.
It was the end of her KS visit that was to be a trial run at living here.  She rejected it.  'I'm Pennsylvania born and bread'.  The truth be known that since when Dad died, we all took her in as a "child" because there was so much she had not done.  I was the nurturer, care taker and I thought I'd finally found a way to bring her to me. Yet, she could not, literally, could not do it. It was too late. She was very sick.  We had a wonderful time in PA celebrating Sean an Michelle's wedding.   Leaving her was hard.  They had the Happ Reunion and the beach trip to look forward to.  All of what ensued was unexpected.  She was in the ER after the Happ reunion and oh my word after the beach trip it was the beginning of the end. I am both dreading and embracing this time.  As I relive all of those, "Teri, mom has fallen or mom is in the ER" phone calls when I can not do a darn thing except trust. We made it through the summer and Mike was busy saying he would not have her return to KS when she landed in the ER for the last time. I got a call or text while in Cbmo. I was so upset.  Then when she fell and the muscle spasms and she did not push her alert button.  I knew.  How do you choose between hospice and rehab.  She'd have one good day and one bad.  We knew, I knew and I wanted to just embrace her through it and yet that one night Cathie needed me too.  We were arguing about what to do about mom when she died. That is really and end that has no late submissions. Here is a song from Oh Danny Boy, "And you will find the place where I am lying and kneel and say an "Ave" there for me. But I shall hear, though soft you tread above me, and Oh my grave shall warmer, sweeter be. And you will bend and tell me that you love me and I shall sleep in peace until you come to me."

'You are her twin', the nursing staff said as I sat by her bed late at night.  I lost my mom, a friend, and to others, my twin.  It really messes with me.  To watch as someone you love slips to the other side and knowing what all that means. I only mourn for myself.  She is far better off.  I miss her.  How selfish is that.  As if Father God is not far more than mortal mom was.  surely He understands, for He gave her to me and I have often thanked Him for her. He surely knows the hurt in my heart while knowing that I know that, He wins!  We win, I will miss her for a time, but I need to let that grow me. Trust Him, like she did.

BAM

Bam!  Most times my brain is ready for the logic that goes with losing a parent and is able to quickly say how she's in a better place (true). She is at rest (praise God and yes)! It's a natural part of life (true).  Every now and then, when you least expect it, the wave smacks you and you realize that pictures are all that's left of seeing them again. (until the end).  When all the firsts come: first birthday in Heaven, first Christmas in Heaven etc. When she isn't coming for her late winter/ early spring visit.  And it just hurts. 
Thank you for being such a good Mom.

In between two worlds

I must confess, a big part of my emotional energy was spent considering how to get my mother close to me, so I could take care of her as she aged. As excited I was to have her here in KS, she wanted to go back to PA.  I wonder if it would have been different if I had the Walden's big house with a spare bedroom for her.  I don't.  She knew it.  It ripped my heart from me. How could I blame her.  "She's a Pennsylvania girl, born and bred." I still wanted her close to me. She seemed to melt when I hugged her and told her how much I love her every day. We worked together, cheered together, but at the end of the day, she felt like she did not belong here. She told me once that when it was time to go the nursing home she'd rather be here.  So what was I to do when after a fabulous weekend in Annapolis she falls and ends up in the hospital? Well really after the beach she was so dehydrated she wound up in the ER. Far away from me, far away. I wanted to sneak back there and kidnap her. But me, on the threshold of the new school year...football and volleyball, Erin's senior year and Alan's first year of junior high....

Then the fall that landed her in the hospital.  The unstable vitals. The news that the cancer has advanced considerably far beyond what we imagined. The insane transfer to the nursing home (have we sued for that yet?).  Wasn't it moving slow before...before she was house bound.  Depressed. Unmotivated. Dam it. Cancer loves depression and hopelessness.

Everyone jokes about the baby of the family. Everyone says how spoiled we are. It' true. I had what none of my siblings had and I loved her for it.  I LOVE HER for it.  She finally had time, she had finally settled down a little. She had dad to deal with, but somehow we had a connection that I cannot explain or apologize for. We both left our home towns and gave up careers for family. Neither of us got to care for our aged parents. I would like to think I have some important differences.  I own my choices and I have had some teaching and training that gave me some strength and assertiveness that she never found in this life. In the nursing home it was creepy.  They said I was her twin. "You look just like her." I never saw it, but wow. People who did not even know us saw it.

What I will miss the most is that she always encouraged me. Sometimes too much, she gave me way to much credit!  She prayed for me and in the end the fact that the woman that understood me and some of my struggles better than anyone has died. She, the woman who cheer leaded me is gone. The woman who trembled when I held her and by holding her and telling her how much I loved her and wanted her with me , isn't.
I miss you mom. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And here's the crazy...

Since returning to KS everyone was full of hugs, but also quiet: "Great mom's home. Life goes on!!" I have a few who wonder and get it and ask how I am doing.  OK, but not always peachy! As I was talking about this weekend when Erin and I will be heading to PA for mom's interment Chris was surprised, "that's this weekend?" Yes, 2 days.
 IT IS NOT REAL FOR ANYONE HERE BUT ME!
Tonight: volleyball banquet: "yay, we made it to state. yay what a great year!!!"
Tomorrow night: football banquet: I can't even imagine.  What a hard working group of young men that because of injury and circumstance were not able to accomplish everything they wanted. It will be hard....and then SLAM
back to the east coast, family, hugs, love, mourning, sorrow, laughter, singing, sadness, connections, hello's, goodbyes.... I  love     you's    and a huge     gaping    black    hole    that I must enter that brings me back to home where most of them don't have a clue..... I'm not sure what it will be like having Erin with me. Maybe it will bridge these two worlds or maybe she'll be stuck in the gap as well.

Truth this emotional turmoil I know several things to be true.

• Mom's life and death were not chance or happenstance, she is home with her creator God and she is at rest.
• HE is my biggest help and encourager, always all the time, never sick, never sleeping, always able and willing to be my help and my God.
• He is near to the broken hearted, HE is near to me.
• I can be sad that I miss her, but I do not need to dismay. My God does not disappoint and I will see my mother again someday.
• He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it in Christ Jesus.
• Greater is HE that is in me, than he that is living in the world.
• I can encourage my siblings by the hope I have in being faithful to the Truths of the Bible.
• I can enjoy this life knowing that my mother loved and enjoyed seeing  her family thrive..

Balance

One day I think my son is so far behind he won't graduate and walk the state. Then he graduates and I wonder, will he get a good summer job, will he do all he needs to do to be ready for college?????  But he has graduated and for that I must give thanks, for this is something I have prayed for.  I do thank you, Father God for this mercy for in all his procrastination, he did not necessarily deserve it! On the other front, caring for the aged. I have always had a caretaker heart. If something needs taken care of I will do it until it either takes care of itself or it's taken from me.  It's as simple as breathing an I genuinely enjoy it. It makes my heart happy. So while at times taking care of mom is just an every day thing I wonder, 'how has this happened to a woman so strong, active and spunky?'. One never knows.

We were at an outdoor venue getting a burger and some people were smoking nearby. I asked mom if she wanted to go and visit with them and let them see what lung cancer and emphysema look like. She can't make a bed, get in a car or even a bed without being completely winded. Walking across a parking lot or a room is all it takes. In the midst of everything else every now and then the reality of what she is dealing with hits me, this will kill her. What will that look like? Will she suffer? How long will she suffer? Who will care for her and be there for her? It better be me. I have never wanted to be free of all other burdens just to take care of her, but who knows how long this might take. Trying to figure out what is poor memory and what is stubbornness bugs me. She won't walk to the dining hall, but is she afraid? Kind of.  She does not eat, but did she forget? Ugh! That is why deep down I just want to have her live with us. I want the kids to see both the struggle and the compassion. It is a part of family history that has been lost in our generation. Caring for the aged and by God they deserve it. They brought us into this world and provided for 18+ years can I not spare 2-4 or more? What does she want? Dignity. To be needed. She wants to be home. (I can't really give her that.)
Pray: always pray. Father God you ordain all things and through you all things hold together.  Give me peace as I step out of the way and let you be sovereign in this area of our lives. Would You be merciful to mom. You know her heart and her love for You.  Holy Spirit fill her with Your peace. Light the path before us, so that we know what is of You.  Thank you that this life is not the end and that we have the hope of heaven that is for us for eternity. Flood her heart with peace and speak calm to her as decisions need to be made, give us wisdom to act for her and for You.

Torn

Torn
I have heard of this stage of life.  Caring for aging parents while still raising your own children.  I guess I thought I'd be older.  Ha! Here I find myself, with mother near me, dear to me, needing me and me wanting to be there for her. To be her helper.  It is as slow a process. Much like waiting for a toddler to wander down the road, while looking at every sound, calculating every move, manipulating every bite... slowly.  Meanwhile rocketing towards high school graduation is my oldest. This is uncharted territory, it has frozen me since August.  How do I do this next step and prepare for launching a son? There are enrollment dates, things to accept, things to prepare, things to complete.  If he were eager for his future and seemed ready, I think I'd be Ok, but he is one who seems hesitant to launch.  They are both hesitating to launch to the next step independently and I feel in the middle as helper and yet powerless.  "Get that job application in", I say.  "Did you go to lunch with the others?", I say.  "No", they say.  Choices, they each have choices.  Watching them struggle, one wanting independence but needing help. One wanting help, but needing independence.  Ey, the irony!  No wonder I am up at night ready to shed tears for both of them.  For I remember.  I remember feeling scared, uncertain, intimidated, angry at change maybe I did not choose.  Serenity, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. "That's it!", Charlie Brown yells. I cannot change these things, I must surrender to the role of accompanist.  I can do what I can and that is all I can do and I need not accept responsibility for more than that.  Emotional or physical.   I must do what I can do to ensure safety,  but I cannot rob another of the process.  I can set limits and boundaries as needed, but only for myself.  And pray they do the same.

Thank you Jesus for this time, for I feel you in it and I know You hold the ones I accompany in this process even closer than I do.  Your love for them is far greater.  Help me to both embrace and enjoy this time for it is truly ordained and You do not return void that which is ordained.
Amen and good night!

And we're off

and running.  Basketball and wrestling are now the weekend activities!  This weekend (1/4/14) has Hans in Great Bend with Chris.  He wrestled hard and came in 4th.  Alan was in Hutchinson and his team got beat badly by Inman.  Ouch...to much Christmas vacation!  Better luck next time guys!

 Hans is in the black and grey on top.

Mid week Holidays

Christmas and New Years both fell on Wednesdays this year and if that does not mess with your head!  Well it does if you are on vacation for all the working people who opted not to take vacation time, it was a short break.  Ours was long.  The kids hung out with friends when they could and spent a good amount of time around the house.

Dylan spent the night so he and Hans hit the hot tub.  They decided running around in the snow wet burns and then getting back in the hot tub is craziness.  Truth.

On our way home from Hutchinson doing some shopping and hitting Sonic!

Please can't I stay over night at Wyatt's tonight?

 Before break was over went to Hutchinson and the kids met up with Chelsy to go see The Hobbit.  We had taken Erin earlier to see it in Wichita, but Collin had not gone so they went with Chelsy. 

Celebrate!

We headed into the New Year celebrating with "Leg O Lamb" ala Uncle Bill!  We actually had 2 legs: one New Zealand and one American.  I could not for the life of me keep track of which was which.  Tasty.  Strange the things our children will eat and what they will not eat!  The day itself was quiet.  Alan had a friend over, so he and Wyatt played until it was time to leave.  Since we were all up late there was much napping!

Waiting for food is not fun and then we ate so fast all that was left was some au juis and Port wine.

Here we are: January 2014

Happy New Year! 
In the last 2 years since I have been regular blogger I realized how much I missed when I did not have a place to jot down stories and place photos linked to them.  As I try to organize scrapbooks and school memory books, my older blogs have "saved" the day.

So whether anyone reads this or not I hope to keep this up to date with daily or weekly stuff from our corner of the world.

I did not mind in the least saying Goodbye to 2013.  It was just not a year I was fond of.  There were some very neat things that happened, but too much in terms of hurt, pain and struggle.  There have been some positive things happen here at the end of the year and I am ready to move forward.

Church has been such a huge answer to prayer.  After two extremely painful years, we are now in a place to move forward and grow.  Fall of 2013 brought Phil Carroll and his family to Sterling KS as our head pastor.  We have had some powerful sermons, amazing singing and more involvement than I have seen in 10+ years.  New Years Eve was spent in our fellowship hall with so many of our youth and their friends and our church members came to fellowship, play games and EAT.  It was great.  In fact I was having too much fun to take photos, so I must rely on one Erin shared with me.  She brought her friend Ileria with her and they are in the AWANA Cubbie puppet house.

2014...whoohooo!

Erin's Birthday celebrated...

For Erin's birthday she and her friend Cristina went to the movies and then we brought pizza home. They played with the goats, giggled a lot and had a pretty good evening.

Erin's family party was a bit of a flop really. She had a friend overnight and then slept through most of her birthday and was not really awake for her family party. Sad really, as I have no photos of her during the family party. She was not happy that I had it after the sleep over and had food she did not like. That was not very thoughtful of me and I forget exactly how it worked out that way. A week later college foster student Chelsy came over and pampered her with some fun things. We got some photos of that!!!

Summer's End

Summer vacation is rocketing towards it's close.  The "not the best summer ever" is finally coming to a close.  Why so glum?   Well, expectations I suppose.   With Collin being 15 and Chris not having a hired man, I expected Collin and even Erin to help him on the farm.  It never really happened.  I have come to realize my husband is a loner and he prefers to work alone or with another person who can work on their own.  Other than summer workouts there was not a lot going on for them this summer.  Erin kept busier with her friends, often going swimming or for walks or movie nights.  Collin spent most afternoons and evenings playing with his friends online on xbox live. 

Hans' summer started off disappointing as baseball did not pan out as planned.  He had an enjoyable Sterling Rec Season, but the traveling/ tournament team did not work out.  He did pretty well connecting with friends at the pool or getting together.  He also did a wrestling camp with Wendell and football workouts 3 mornings a week. 

Alan had a very disappointmenting summer.  While we were busily running older kids to workouts or events he got to tag along.   None of his friends went to the pool, so even this was not a fun activity.  It seems that when we did plan something for him it did not work out.  He thought he was going to have an awesome baseball season, but alas even that fell apart.  This week he is in football camp and has even managed to be gloomy about that. 

Over arching all of this is a summer plagued with drought and heat since mid May.  It has been over 100F most days with absolutely no signficant rain.   The situation at church has been disappointing so time when we would often find enjoyment have been bittersweet. 

Where does one find joy in such annoying circumstances?  Well, the sin of discontentment has plagued everyone, including me!!!   My hope is in the Lord...not my children's performance or circumstances.Not in the weather or other people.  So i am going to work my way backwards through the summer and even spring to find the blessings and joy and record them here! 

Happy Birthday Erin!

Oh boy were we in trouble.  During spring break we had an airsoft party for Hans...on Erin's birthdaay.  I forget exactly why this worked out for him and not for her, but we did it anyway.  I believe we were down to the last weekend of spring break and we just put this together quickly so that we could get it done during the break.  I know, the Schweizers were supposed to have it, but were unable to so we were the substitute location!

Settling In

After our first trip through the park we went to the Chalet, unpacked and settled in a bit.  Phil and Denise made a wonderful lunch of ribs, beans and salad.  It was so good!!!

The Chalet’s were nice.  The kids went swimming and we prepared for an evening Safari in an open safari vehicle with a tour guide from the resort.  That meant we got to stay out late which was fun!

  

 

We tried very hard and thought maybe we would see a leopard this night, but it was not to be.  We did get to see some lions

Let the vacation begin...

After a good night sleep (and praise the Lord it was a good night) we headed out first thing to the game reserve.  They rented a microbus and trailor and we piled in!  We took a drive through the park before checking into our chalet. We were met by beautiful wild life. 

On our way...

Early in the morning we headed out the door (like 5:30 I think).  It was not a smooth exit, the one laptop bag was not a laptop bag and I had to repack some of that stuff and I lost my cool and my pb sandwich.  Ugh off to KCI with no breakfast!   We got to Shawnee, picked up Paul and headed to the airport.  We got through the check in and security, laughing at the dumbfounded look on people's faces when we said our destination was Johannesburg.  "South Africa?",  they'd say.  Long day!  Unfortunately, there was no food on the other side of security so we went back out of security so we could go to Quiznos.  The flight to Washington DC was uneventful except everyone's electronic devices were losing charge so fast all we wanted to do was plug in.  We found some real food at Fuddruckers, a restaraunt I remember from my friend RuthAnne's Maryland days, not sure why!  BUT when Alan and I returned "early" to the gate to plug our computers and ipods in I heard a staff person calling out our seat numbers in an irritated tone.  Sure enough, we were supposed to be checked in and we weren't.  It was an hour ahead of time, but they were boarding our flight already.  We got everything unplugged, the ones still eating back to the gate and we were on the plane!

South African Airlines gave the boys coloring bags to which they did not know what to say and the stewardess said, "A thank you would be nice."  Oops.  Then she came by asking for our drink order and when Erin looked at her with uncertainty she said, "Do I have to list all the drinks for you?" and then asked if she spoke when spoken too because Erin was looking at her dumbfoundedly.  Sigh, all we needed, a cheeky stewardess on our first international flight.  That was only for the first 8 hours because we stopped in Dakar, the wait staff deplaned and a new crew took over (halleluiah!).  They also sprayed the cabin with very strong disinfectant.  I had mistakenly given the 2 older kids (and myself) a sleeping pill (just unisom) 

Sadly, in Dakar it was in full force, but no one would let me sleep.  Not good.  Somehow we made it through the "night". Praise the Lord we had pancakes for breakfast and landed without incident.  We were greeted by family and aside from a seemingly endless, bumpy, nauseating drive through downtown Johannesburg...we were there safe and sound!

South Africa in the planning phases

The hope and dream of this trip started at least 2 years prior to our going.  When Phil and Denise started ministry in the Dominican Republic, we desired to go and spend time with them.  Their time there did not work out and they accepted the call to South Africa.  We still had a desire to go see them, especially when the photos of zebra, giraffes, lions and cheetahs started pouring in. 

We were to go December 2010, but that summer of 2010 was rough.  It was a cold wet spring and a wet summer.  Normally this would be wonderful, but too much or too little moisture just is not helpful in farming.  We were short on  funds and time. The summer was hard as was the fall with  both Collin and Erin in Junior High.  When we priced the tickets for going during Christmas break, it seemed way out of our reach, to fly over holiday season was $2000 a person.  So we decided to back up and pray about it.

2011 was not farmer friendly at all, however fall 2010 was and Chris tucked some money away when the grain prices rallied the end of 2010.  We were plagued with drought and heat this summer.  Yet the desire to go see Phil and Denise for a work and witness trip was still present.   But the details were downright scary!  It was homecoming weekend when we finally had a Saturday morning available to get into the post office for passports.  To get the kid's passports both Chris and I had to be present.  It was crazy.  We thought we had veverything together but when we got there Collin's birth certificate was not with everyone elses.  Ugh.  Chris found it and we were able to get it done, but it was stressful! As we were finishing up we took some seriously funny monkey shots!

Christmas 2011 we sent out support letters to inform our friends of our trip

9/16 KS State Fair

Paula, Cristi Gale, Kay Monroe, Alan and I head to the State Fair for the Third Day concert.  Interesting thing about this day was after months of heat and drought it was raining and COLD!  Cristi got us great seats and we stayed dry under the roof, although the band was soaked by the end of the night.
 

 

9/22 Happy Birthday Collin/ Volleyball

Erin's home volleyball game falls on Collin's birthday.  It was a busy  birthday: school, football practice, volleyball game and then Erin diss'ed us for the JrH football game.  sigh, no pics of Collin at all today!