Thursday, November 05, 2015

In between two worlds

I must confess, a big part of my emotional energy was spent considering how to get my mother close to me, so I could take care of her as she aged. As excited I was to have her here in KS, she wanted to go back to PA.  I wonder if it would have been different if I had the Walden's big house with a spare bedroom for her.  I don't.  She knew it.  It ripped my heart from me. How could I blame her.  "She's a Pennsylvania girl, born and bred." I still wanted her close to me. She seemed to melt when I hugged her and told her how much I love her every day. We worked together, cheered together, but at the end of the day, she felt like she did not belong here. She told me once that when it was time to go the nursing home she'd rather be here.  So what was I to do when after a fabulous weekend in Annapolis she falls and ends up in the hospital? Well really after the beach she was so dehydrated she wound up in the ER. Far away from me, far away. I wanted to sneak back there and kidnap her. But me, on the threshold of the new school and volleyball, Erin's senior year and Alan's first year of junior high....

Then the fall that landed her in the hospital.  The unstable vitals. The news that the cancer has advanced considerably far beyond what we imagined. The insane transfer to the nursing home (have we sued for that yet?).  Wasn't it moving slow before...before she was house bound.  Depressed. Unmotivated. Dam it. Cancer loves depression and hopelessness.

Everyone jokes about the baby of the family. Everyone says how spoiled we are. It' true. I had what none of my siblings had and I loved her for it.  I LOVE HER for it.  She finally had time, she had finally settled down a little. She had dad to deal with, but somehow we had a connection that I cannot explain or apologize for. We both left our home towns and gave up careers for family. Neither of us got to care for our aged parents. I would like to think I have some important differences.  I own my choices and I have had some teaching and training that gave me some strength and assertiveness that she never found in this life. In the nursing home it was creepy.  They said I was her twin. "You look just like her." I never saw it, but wow. People who did not even know us saw it.

What I will miss the most is that she always encouraged me. Sometimes too much, she gave me way to much credit!  She prayed for me and in the end the fact that the woman that understood me and some of my struggles better than anyone has died. She, the woman who cheer leaded me is gone. The woman who trembled when I held her and by holding her and telling her how much I loved her and wanted her with me , isn't.
I miss you mom. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And here's the crazy...

Since returning to KS everyone was full of hugs, but also quiet: "Great mom's home. Life goes on!!" I have a few who wonder and get it and ask how I am doing.  OK, but not always peachy! As I was talking about this weekend when Erin and I will be heading to PA for mom's interment Chris was surprised, "that's this weekend?" Yes, 2 days.
Tonight: volleyball banquet: "yay, we made it to state. yay what a great year!!!"
Tomorrow night: football banquet: I can't even imagine.  What a hard working group of young men that because of injury and circumstance were not able to accomplish everything they wanted. It will be hard....and then SLAM
back to the east coast, family, hugs, love, mourning, sorrow, laughter, singing, sadness, connections, hello's, goodbyes.... I  love     you's    and a huge     gaping    black    hole    that I must enter that brings me back to home where most of them don't have a clue..... I'm not sure what it will be like having Erin with me. Maybe it will bridge these two worlds or maybe she'll be stuck in the gap as well.

Truth this emotional turmoil I know several things to be true.
  • Mom's life and death were not chance or happenstance, she is home with her creator God and she is at rest.
  • HE is my biggest help and encourager, always all the time, never sick, never sleeping, always able and willing to be my help and my God.
  • He is near to the broken hearted, HE is near to me.
  • I can be sad that I miss her, but I do not need to dismay. My God does not disappoint and I will see my mother again someday.
  • He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it in Christ Jesus.
  • Greater is HE that is in me, than he that is living in the world.
  • I can encourage my siblings by the hope I have in being faithful to the Truths of the Bible.
  • I can enjoy this life knowing that my mother loved and enjoyed seeing  her family thrive..