Monday, September 09, 2019

I sat and listened to my anger

This quote struck me today.. "I sat with my anger long enough, until I realized her name was grief." oh how I can relate to this... but as a mental health professional can I help? Yes!!!  Anger alerts me to the fact that I fear loss.  Well sometimes a more appropriate response to loss is...sadness and acceptance. Does it make me mad...yes, but staying here does not help me or my loved ones.

Anger is not wrong, but it can lead to stuckness...Anger is an ok part of it, but we can get stuck in it. And sadly, anger is addictive and it can keep us in that stuckness longer than need be.  Loss comes to us in many different ways. Sometimes it's the death of a loved one. Sometimes just untimely. Sometimes it is loss of health, relationship or ability, property. Can we be mad? Heck yeah, but the only reason we are mad, is that we are first sad....so desperately sad. Or scarred...And we did not know what to do. That is actually scarier than mad. Mad is ready to fight and argue...sad is just..sad. Scared is scared. Yet, when we are dealing with deep grief there is absolutely NO avoiding that sad. I'm sorry friend, I would love to spare you of that,  but it cannot be. Believe it or not allowing oneself to feel the very deep sadness  or fear, allows us to connect with God. If you allow it, it can take you to a place that you wrestle with your God and Savior in a way you never have believed possible. Embracing the sadness and the anger can drive us to cry out to God, "Why?" and in our wrestling we encounter "How" and in that encounter we discover relationship! And the answer to how.
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Thursday, May 09, 2019

This weekend means so many things and it is not even the weekend yet.  Here is Collin 2015 graduating from High School.  The kids are so anxious to look older.. not me.  Ha. He headed to Sterling College and played football for a season and a bit and is graduating with a Business Accounting BS.  So very proud of him especially because of the obstacles he has overcome this year.  I know thinking that so many of "my" SC students were taken care of, but my son, not really.  It's been hard, but he had over come!

As I look at my son graduating high school and now 4 years later college.  Look up the statistics that is not a given.  I am so proud of him. He had a major heartbreak last summer and yet he still has managed to finish and graduate.  I am very proud of him!

First semester roommates, not sure I was allowed in any rooms after this!

 Football was a fun, but yet demanding and physically draining on the body.  I'm so glad you got at least one full and one partial season, to experience this challenge.







There are many things that occurred during the next 3 years he does not want to remember.As we move towards SC graduation weekend son, please know we love and cherish you.  What a wonderful start to our family.  You did it!!!  Congratulations! Do not let those that did not appreciate you rob you of this. They may be sorry some day.  I do believe the best is yet to come for you.I love you so much!
Maybe someday he can learn to love and appreciate a group like this that lead to love...hurt...frustration.I do not know what to do. The wound is very deep.


Saturday, September 01, 2018

I am not sure where to start, so many emotions welling up in me. We made it to Week 13, we headed out to San Diego to MCRD and did all the things, but now inside me is a wave, a torrent that does not know what to do with herself.  As if it was not real, we were just going through the motions. Surely it is not my son that is not a United States Marine.  The few, the proud.  Excited for the goals attained, relieved my son was still in there. Terrified because this was a trip very different than Chris and I normally take.  Usually we either have our own car or family waiting for us.  Nope, we said no to a rental and yes to Uber and Shuttles.  How amazingly faithful God was at every step of the way.    I prayed early on, that I would leave worry and stress behind me.  Locked "Concerned Teri" in the closet.  It was tested, she tried to come out, but was always thwarted to the Glory Of God! Even though those steps were something I myself did not really enjoy...the unknown, the uncertain, the relax and let things happen, everything worked out and people were kind.  I mean why is renting a car $50 a day supposedly better than Ubering for $40 over 4 days? Relieve driving stress, but pick up the stress of the uncertain. It was really a great experience!  We met new people, had some laughs and learned to trust. We had a little less than 48 hours before we saw Hans, but some of our blessings included:
  • Met up with a couple at the airport arriving and we traveled with them the whole 4 days.  Good times.
  • Lots of waiting, but pleasant people to do it with.
  • Gorgeous scenery, good food, time together with Chris.
  • Timing.... God, You are just amazing! Thank You for  Your Grace and Mercy!  Wow!
We were told Security would be a challenge on Base and to anticipate 30 minute walks.  Well, our Shuttles drove us all the way in and therefore, we were always at least 30 minutes early. That is actually a good problem...  so we got there before 0700 and got a glimpse of the Company moving to Graduation practice. Thirty seconds in and we see this... Hans' platoon heading to practice.


I was all caught up in how awesome the first was only to realize they were parading where we could film them again.  Realize I had not laid eyes on him in 13 weeks.. That is why I am so excited!

Ugh, we wanted to watch the Color Ceremony at the Governor's Building, but as we walked past people were already lining up for graduation. We took a chance and as we returned to the bleachers we saw an empty spot where we needed it to be... it had bird poop on it, so no one wanted it.  Oh heck, we cleaned it right off and got great seats. Thank you Jesus! Enjoyable footage at graduation when the Band played before each platoon.

As it was time to dismiss each Platoon for Leave, this is what we heard... 




Sunday, June 10, 2018

The Transformation

It was a week ago today that the shaking started.  It was the day we planned to have Hans' farewell/ ship out party. I woke up silly early and realized I did not have anything really planned for the party.  I had spent Friday morning with Hans shopping, talking and having some quality time.  This morning I felt frozen inside and just quaked. 

As the day went by I got things ready for both the family dinner before hand and the party afterwards. I was a bundle of nerves wondering who would or would not come, how would the balance between his clay shooting and visiting with people would go.  Would there be enough food?  I printed a bunch of Marine things off, to give people to look at and made a banner for decorating and cards for people to fill out. Eating was not easy!  I would get hungry and then the food would hit the ice.  The family dinner went well, Mom mom Anderson brought a favorite cake and we cleaned up after dinner and prepped for the party. People arrived while they were outside and it quickly became an outside party, so we scurried and got as many chairs as we could.  It was hot, but not too hot. It actually went well and took my mind off what Sunday might look like.  People cleared out around 8:30 and we sat outside with a few of Erin's friends and Hans.  It was a neat gathering.

By Sunday the shaking was even worse and it was not like you could see it, but it was like shivering in the cold.  I tried to eat the pancakes Chris made and got about half way through before they hit the butterflies and I had to stop. A sense of "I don't want to do this."   "This can't be happening" went through me. Yet, I tried to be determined to keep much of that to myself and put on an OK front for Hans.  We got ready, packed for the overnight, and gave instructions to the others.

At about 9:45 Hans came out with his ipod and turned the Bose on and played Josh Turner's Pallbearer. I looked at him and said, "Is that wise?"  He said "I thought I'd set the mood."  Now, Hans is known to be the kid that finds the obscure, funny or totally annoying song and plays it loud and long! You know like Tiny Tim, Living in the Sunlight and Blue Suede, Hooked on a Feeling. But no this morning we are listening to sad songs, well sure enough he started to play the other more uplifting songs and soon Erin, Alan and even Collin emerge to have some fun with it. It would be the last time this summer and it was Bittersweet (think we listened to that too).  All I could think of is how much I love these kids and how I enjoy the fun they have together.

After goodbyes, we loaded up the car and headed to Wichita.  We had some good talks and the butterflies were pretty intense much of the time.  When we got to Wichita, I realized he was in shorts and a tee and not jeans and polos like the other recruits, so that made me nervous.  GySgrt did not seem worried.  We were told to be there at 10:30 for a briefing, photos etc, but the shuttle did not take off until 12. I guess they had 2-3 that were there for initial processing. It was a long wait, but good to sit beside him. I even grabbed a selfie with him, "because I could".

Headed to OKC and got there about 3:30.  Some drama there in that the hotel liason would not let them leave the hotel, like we had been told.  By then we had checked in and caught up with the Scobees who were there to take their son Wendell.  Hans' friend Connor was there as well. We found a loop hole in the system in that only those recruits that had checked in had to stay, so before checking in to a room, we whisked them away for a dinner and a walk. Afterwards they got checked in, went to another briefing, visited a little and then went to their rooms.

Monday 4:45 AM, I awoke to the sound of somebody barking orders, I peeked out my door to see a bunch of recruits 7 floors down in a line.  I texted Hans and said good morning.  Surprisingly, he said he wanted to come up and get rid of some of the things from his bag.  That he did and he looked pretty nervous, he wanted a smaller bag for the few things he had, but we did not have one. I gave him a good long hug and he was off.  A good long hug, last time I would see him privately for a long time.

Hans texted that the swearing in would start at 10, so we headed to MEPS with the Scobees and got there around 9.  We went through security and they showed us where the recruits were.  We got to hang out with them while they went through processing.  This was something we were told would not happen.  I was happy. It was odd hearing them call for "Marine applicant Anderson" and then "Marine shipper Anderson" as he progressed through the phases.  Unlike anything I've been through. He was slated for group 1 and taken to a briefing room.  From there he came out and said his last goodbye.  Why I thought we'd take pictures afterward I do not know, but we took no pictures.  We talked, we prayed and we hugged, but no pictures.  We got a briefing on the swearing in procedures which included the ability to take pictures afterwards.  Liars!  When we went to the swearing in ceremony we were told that we'd said our goodbyes and this was it.  That was when I remembered Hans had not given us his phone.  UGH.  Back through security we went and we waited until the travel briefing was done and they were grabbing their bags to head to the airport when Hans gave us his entire bag minus glasses and belt.  He was a little rattled and goodbye was harder.  It was a lot harder. 

All of my sons weaknesses would be laid bare before these men.  I know them all and then some. I felt afraid and almost sick as I headed home. I cried a bit, feeling as vulnerable as I bet he felt or would feel in days to come. Sister Cathie said it well, 'Teri, it is out of your hands, they will take care of him, that is what they are there for". That helped, she said they'd seen it all and I am sure... for better or worse. The phone call came at 12:20 and it came to Chris' phone and we missed it.  I screamed, but thankfully my phone started ringing and it was him and I heard the highly anticipated phone call: "Marine recruit Anderson had arrived at the depot in San Diego and the next time we would hear from him would be by postal mail...do we understand?  Do we have questions? I told him no, we love you and he said love you in return.  Goodbye. 

He made it.

I had a wake up call Tuesday morning when I learn that the first 4 days called receiving, they really have no place to call home.  No bunk, nothing.  They go from thing to thing to thing for the better part of 4 days and then Friday morning thy meet their Drill Instructors. This is the stripping away of self and civilian life, a tried and true Marine process.  Trust the process.   By only the grace of God, I turned him over to God and the Marine Corps and vowed to pray as often as I thought of him.  This was HUGE! When I walked by his room I prayed, when I missed him, I prayed.  When I worried, I prayed.  It helped me a ton and I can only hope that it helped him.  "He needs your prayers Teri." I felt the Lord saying. Not my self pity, not my worry. The shaking ceased Tuesday AM and has not returned.  I praise God for that!  I did tear up today during worship as we were singing, "Jesus, thank you."  It meant something even deeper today.  Thank you Jesus!  Thank you!

Saturday we got the notification that he signed up for Sandboxx, so we can send him digital letters.  that tells me he still remembers our cell numbers!  :-)  What a testimony to the grace and strength of our Lord! One week down... 12 to go!



Wednesday, November 29, 2017

On the precipice

On the precipice of something HUGE. 
Two years ago, we looked at our financing and thought, the responsible thing would be to have me get a job so we could have some income and benefits.  Our Obamacare benefits were well over $1000/mo.  The choice was nursing home social worker or Admin Assist at SC where Collin and Erin would get benefits towards tuition.  I thought I could do it and at first I could.  I did not realize I was in the fog of grief. After mom died, I probably did not have the energy or the empathy to carry another's pain.  That changed.   And isn't God amazing.  tina resigned shortly after I arrived and I thought, "this is the job for me and why God brought me here."  Nope. It really was not.  Yet over the year being at the college allowed Heather and I to become closer friends...we were just "meet on the street friends" before. Now, it breaks my heart to say that God placed us in these places so maybe I could help bear a burden a parent should never have to bear and out of that came an involvement in Light Up The Dark and out of that may come the answer to years of prayers.  My mom always misunderstood and thought I wanted to be a psychologist to make money and I swear I never remember saying that, but mom would tell me re: counseling, "Ah but hon you're good at it." and I'd say, How, how do you even know that.  Because I have put my professional career aside to raise kids and care for her in her elder years.  Bless her, she would hoot and holler to hear what I am up to.

Through a series of unfortunate events I am leaving SC.  I've learned that one can not do just anything for money.  Well one can, but not necessarily well or for the benefit of one's health.  So I resigned and as Heather and I talked we realized that we had similar vision, but she held the guts to make it happen.  And bless her she is willing to allow me to participate.  I am part of the Light House initiative , where a person/ family gets to make a new start and plot healthy paths for the future.  Now she may be willing to be part of my dream Counseling people using God's word.  It is still in the planning stages and I pray for God's timing, Gods' door and God's unity of vision!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Mom Dream

When someone you love dies, every now and then, some more often than others, you dream about them.   It is a very moving experience.  I have lost both of my parents.  My most moving dad memory came at a birthday shortly after his death (and he died 2 days after my 36th birthday).  In my dream he was there as we were celebrating my birthday.  In my family's home.  We were having a customary family dinner and we all looked at him, somehow we were also in Kansas and I remember saying to him and thinking, "what are you doing here?  you are dead?"  He smiled his crooked smile and said, "it's your birthday, I had to wish you a happy birthday."  I almost never dream about my dad, but this one I cherish in the very heart of me.  Not because I think he magically communicated with me in my dream, but because it was what I needed.

For as much as I love and miss her, I rarely dream of mom.  Last night I did and I am seeing a theme.  I can barely hear her.  Last night she was calling me on the phone and just as I answered everything got noisy around me.  I knew it was her and I kept trying to block everything else out and hear her.  I was able to some, still frustrated, but even in my dream I knew it was a dream and I cherished the sound of her voice.  I think she was wishing me a happy birthday too. The sound of her voice made me smile in my dream and I awoke smiling and thinking, WOW I dreamt about mom!!!!

I miss my family.  Nothing here in KS compares.  Chris dreams of moving to CO and I have my doubts that I will ever find that close bond. Maybe we can have my family  move near us in CO.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Pain

Yesterday two women I love and respect posted things that let the world know they were hurting.  Why is that so hard?
One admitted that she has been hiding.
Hiding...
I know of hiding and masks and knowing one thing and feeling another.  The German within me and the proud Irish say, "Mind over matter."  So I know many things and that knowing keeps me sane.  Keeps me functioning and largely, keeps me healthy.
But guess what...the matter is still there...and the matter is in pain.
For those of my friends and acquaintance that have lost child or spouse; I truly cannot imagine.  As a grief counselor I am not afraid to walk into the dark places with others and I know our human tendencies with grief and still I am blown away by the pain I am feeling.  It is tempting to invalidate it, because mine is a parent, a 'normal' loss, but I can't because it is so real. 
I had someone very firmly snap at me that grief is evidence that I had a meaningful relationship and I should be thankful. Period.
Wow.
Dear God in Heaven, You are the Creator and sustainer of all things and sweet Jesus, there at Creation, You were there in the beginning and without You nothing was made that was made.  And the perfect plan to send You as a lamb to slaughter to pay for the iniquities of our sins beginning at Christmas. Oh Sweet Jesus, my favorite time of year.  Is all the decorating, cherishing and celebrating because of You or is it because I love pine, holly, white lights and snowmen? It is more than that, the tenderness of Christmas is that as a vulnerable baby You came down and your earthly parents were vulnerable and how it must have ripped open God's heart to let You leave Your heavenly throne and yet as a good Father, He was pleased, He burst inside with both pride and joy that You would and could defeat this separation.  You would save us. Oh sweet God almighty...what  a sacrifice.  Dear Jesus, thank you.  Let my grief not diminish one ounce of that, for my love and cherishing of it was started as a child by a mother that loved to make Christmas special, full of wonder, full of joy and togetherness, which is what Christmas is ultimately about.  You came down.  wonder joy togetherness.
At the risk of sounding so stupid and petty...this is what I realize is eating me up inside about this Christmas.  This is my first year that we should be going home to PA for Christmas, but I no longer have a home in PA for Christmas.  Mom is gone and our home sold.
I left my home for the family I now have 21 years ago, but every 2 years I breathed deep the feeling of going home to 4613 Tarryton Rd.  To see the porch, my mom on the porch, the carpet, the stairs, the fireplace and one by one to welcome in my siblings as they came home and we were reunited for Christmas.  The mistletoe in the door way.  The chimes, the magic mailbox, the kitchen and family room that never changed.  The golf balls on the wall, the map of Doylestown, the mirror on the bathroom door, the bedrooms upstairs lit by the neighbors Christmas lights. My prom and graduation dresses in the closets.  The sound of the heater clank clank clank so loud.  The scalding hot water and the  backwards faucet handles because my dad would not call a plumber.  Mom's hugs. Memory treasures everywhere.  When I'd go home, I was home and I soaked it in deeply and it fueled me for 2 more years.  And now it's gone.
One year, yes 18 years I'd been in KS and I started fantasizing about hugging my siblings, nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephew in the hallway in August. No lie.
It is not that I don't love it here in KS with my friends and family, but nothing is like my family to me. And no one here understands that, which just makes it worse.

So how do I balance such tender emotions. What do I do with them?  Do I try to recreate Mom's Christmas here in KS?  She has neighbors and friends into the home that did not have anything better to do Christmas eve and her children and grandchildren came.  We went to Mass, ate stew and decorated the tree to the sounds of Booker T and the MGs and then we settled in with all the snack food that friends and family brought. Sometimes, a live nativity would appear or an impromptu band performance. One year a giant Whoopie cushion appeared. So fun. A visit from Santa one year.  Always the gift exchange aka the Chinese Auctions (sorry) A walk in the snow looking at the neighbors lights, caroling.  Walking up to the field that mom would like to look out over.   For a while we'd be Santa and help her bring the grandkids gifts up and stuff the stockings.
I love the childhood she gave me: walks and songs and traditions.  As of yet, my family does not embrace them.  Maybe someday.
They like TV and games (I like games) and making fun of each other and shrimp.
No singing, no Christmas pickle or elves or silliness.
It's not the same.
What to do.
What
to
do.