One day I think my son is so far behind he won't graduate and walk the state. Then he graduates and I wonder, will he get a good summer job, will he do all he needs to do to be ready for college????? But he has graduated and for that I must give thanks, for this is something I have prayed for. I do thank you, Father God for this mercy for in all his procrastination, he did not necessarily deserve it! On the other front, caring for the aged. I have always had a caretaker heart. If something needs taken care of I will do it until it either takes care of itself or it's taken from me. It's as simple as breathing an I genuinely enjoy it. It makes my heart happy. So while at times taking care of mom is just an every day thing I wonder, 'how has this happened to a woman so strong, active and spunky?'. One never knows.
We were at an outdoor venue getting a burger and some people were smoking nearby. I asked mom if she wanted to go and visit with them and let them see what lung cancer and emphysema look like. She can't make a bed, get in a car or even a bed without being completely winded. Walking across a parking lot or a room is all it takes. In the midst of everything else every now and then the reality of what she is dealing with hits me, this will kill her. What will that look like? Will she suffer? How long will she suffer? Who will care for her and be there for her? It better be me. I have never wanted to be free of all other burdens just to take care of her, but who knows how long this might take. Trying to figure out what is poor memory and what is stubbornness bugs me. She won't walk to the dining hall, but is she afraid? Kind of. She does not eat, but did she forget? Ugh! That is why deep down I just want to have her live with us. I want the kids to see both the struggle and the compassion. It is a part of family history that has been lost in our generation. Caring for the aged and by God they deserve it. They brought us into this world and provided for 18+ years can I not spare 2-4 or more? What does she want? Dignity. To be needed. She wants to be home. (I can't really give her that.)
Pray: always pray. Father God you ordain all things and through you all things hold together. Give me peace as I step out of the way and let you be sovereign in this area of our lives. Would You be merciful to mom. You know her heart and her love for You. Holy Spirit fill her with Your peace. Light the path before us, so that we know what is of You. Thank you that this life is not the end and that we have the hope of heaven that is for us for eternity. Flood her heart with peace and speak calm to her as decisions need to be made, give us wisdom to act for her and for You.