Wednesday, November 29, 2017

On the precipice

On the precipice of something HUGE. 
Two years ago, we looked at our financing and thought, the responsible thing would be to have me get a job so we could have some income and benefits.  Our Obamacare benefits were well over $1000/mo.  The choice was nursing home social worker or Admin Assist at SC where Collin and Erin would get benefits towards tuition.  I thought I could do it and at first I could.  I did not realize I was in the fog of grief. After mom died, I probably did not have the energy or the empathy to carry another's pain.  That changed.   And isn't God amazing.  tina resigned shortly after I arrived and I thought, "this is the job for me and why God brought me here."  Nope. It really was not.  Yet over the year being at the college allowed Heather and I to become closer friends...we were just "meet on the street friends" before. Now, it breaks my heart to say that God placed us in these places so maybe I could help bear a burden a parent should never have to bear and out of that came an involvement in Light Up The Dark and out of that may come the answer to years of prayers.  My mom always misunderstood and thought I wanted to be a psychologist to make money and I swear I never remember saying that, but mom would tell me re: counseling, "Ah but hon you're good at it." and I'd say, How, how do you even know that.  Because I have put my professional career aside to raise kids and care for her in her elder years.  Bless her, she would hoot and holler to hear what I am up to.

Through a series of unfortunate events I am leaving SC.  I've learned that one can not do just anything for money.  Well one can, but not necessarily well or for the benefit of one's health.  So I resigned and as Heather and I talked we realized that we had similar vision, but she held the guts to make it happen.  And bless her she is willing to allow me to participate.  I am part of the Light House initiative , where a person/ family gets to make a new start and plot healthy paths for the future.  Now she may be willing to be part of my dream Counseling people using God's word.  It is still in the planning stages and I pray for God's timing, Gods' door and God's unity of vision!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Mom Dream

When someone you love dies, every now and then, some more often than others, you dream about them.   It is a very moving experience.  I have lost both of my parents.  My most moving dad memory came at a birthday shortly after his death (and he died 2 days after my 36th birthday).  In my dream he was there as we were celebrating my birthday.  In my family's home.  We were having a customary family dinner and we all looked at him, somehow we were also in Kansas and I remember saying to him and thinking, "what are you doing here?  you are dead?"  He smiled his crooked smile and said, "it's your birthday, I had to wish you a happy birthday."  I almost never dream about my dad, but this one I cherish in the very heart of me.  Not because I think he magically communicated with me in my dream, but because it was what I needed.

For as much as I love and miss her, I rarely dream of mom.  Last night I did and I am seeing a theme.  I can barely hear her.  Last night she was calling me on the phone and just as I answered everything got noisy around me.  I knew it was her and I kept trying to block everything else out and hear her.  I was able to some, still frustrated, but even in my dream I knew it was a dream and I cherished the sound of her voice.  I think she was wishing me a happy birthday too. The sound of her voice made me smile in my dream and I awoke smiling and thinking, WOW I dreamt about mom!!!!

I miss my family.  Nothing here in KS compares.  Chris dreams of moving to CO and I have my doubts that I will ever find that close bond. Maybe we can have my family  move near us in CO.