Saturday, June 11, 2016


I have a praise, without knowing exactly how, my grief has lifted.  Oh last week was hard.  Mark sent me a picture of her and dad's chairs in Paul and Jane's cabin.   I burst into tears. For all the nevers.  Never get to go "home" to 4613 again.  Mourning the loss as I mentioned in the last post, but then somewhere between Friday to lifted.  Midway through the week I realized I felt lighter.  Happy. Peaceful.  Oh dear sweet Jesus, please let them remain for I did not recognize the me of the last 10 months.  I do not want to be sad and not caring any more.  It's time to live and feel and embrace. 
I am thankful.
I have learned a thing or 2 about complicated bereavement and yet I believe it was merely a blessing and a trust.  I pray Lord that it will not return.  The dark and the bereft.
We'll be OK.  I'll be OK.  Help me embrace all that is coming our way and to use this returned energy wisely, Oh Lord please help me.
In the powerful name of Jesus I pray!

Friday, June 03, 2016

The beginning of the end.
It was the end of her KS visit that was to be a trial run at living here.  She rejected it.  'I'm Pennsylvania born and bread'.  The truth be known that since when Dad died, we all took her in as a "child" because there was so much she had not done.  I was the nurturer, care taker and I thought I'd finally found a way to bring her to me. Yet, she could not, literally, could not do it. It was too late. She was very sick.  We had a wonderful time in PA celebrating Sean an Michelle's wedding.   Leaving her was hard.  They had the Happ Reunion and the beach trip to look forward to.  All of what ensued was unexpected.  She was in the ER after the Happ reunion and oh my word after the beach trip it was the beginning of the end. I am both dreading and embracing this time.  As I relive all of those, "Teri, mom has fallen or mom is in the ER" phone calls when I can not do a darn thing except trust. We made it through the summer and Mike was busy saying he would not have her return to KS when she landed in the ER for the last time. I got a call or text while in Cbmo. I was so upset.  Then when she fell and the muscle spasms and she did not push her alert button.  I knew.  How do you choose between hospice and rehab.  She'd have one good day and one bad.  We knew, I knew and I wanted to just embrace her through it and yet that one night Cathie needed me too.  We were arguing about what to do about mom when she died. That is really and end that has no late submissions. Here is a song from Oh Danny Boy, "And you will find the place where I am lying and kneel and say an "Ave" there for me. But I shall hear, though soft you tread above me, and Oh my grave shall warmer, sweeter be. And you will bend and tell me that you love me and I shall sleep in peace until you come to me."

'You are her twin', the nursing staff said as I sat by her bed late at night.  I lost my mom, a friend, and to others, my twin.  It really messes with me.  To watch as someone you love slips to the other side and knowing what all that means. I only mourn for myself.  She is far better off.  I miss her.  How selfish is that.  As if Father God is not far more than mortal mom was.  surely He understands, for He gave her to me and I have often thanked Him for her. He surely knows the hurt in my heart while knowing that I know that, He wins!  We win, I will miss her for a time, but I need to let that grow me. Trust Him, like she did.