Friday, May 22, 2015


One day I think my son is so far behind he won't graduate and walk the state. Then he graduates and I wonder, will he get a good summer job, will he do all he needs to do to be ready for college?????  But he has graduated and for that I must give thanks, for this is something I have prayed for.  I do thank you, Father God for this mercy for in all his procrastination, he did not necessarily deserve it! On the other front, caring for the aged. I have always had a caretaker heart. If something needs taken care of I will do it until it either takes care of itself or it's taken from me.  It's as simple as breathing an I genuinely enjoy it. It makes my heart happy. So while at times taking care of mom is just an every day thing I wonder, 'how has this happened to a woman so strong, active and spunky?'. One never knows.

We were at an outdoor venue getting a burger and some people were smoking nearby. I asked mom if she wanted to go and visit with them and let them see what lung cancer and emphysema look like. She can't make a bed, get in a car or even a bed without being completely winded. Walking across a parking lot or a room is all it takes. In the midst of everything else every now and then the reality of what she is dealing with hits me, this will kill her. What will that look like? Will she suffer? How long will she suffer? Who will care for her and be there for her? It better be me. I have never wanted to be free of all other burdens just to take care of her, but who knows how long this might take. Trying to figure out what is poor memory and what is stubbornness bugs me. She won't walk to the dining hall, but is she afraid? Kind of.  She does not eat, but did she forget? Ugh! That is why deep down I just want to have her live with us. I want the kids to see both the struggle and the compassion. It is a part of family history that has been lost in our generation. Caring for the aged and by God they deserve it. They brought us into this world and provided for 18+ years can I not spare 2-4 or more? What does she want? Dignity. To be needed. She wants to be home. (I can't really give her that.)
Pray: always pray. Father God you ordain all things and through you all things hold together.  Give me peace as I step out of the way and let you be sovereign in this area of our lives. Would You be merciful to mom. You know her heart and her love for You.  Holy Spirit fill her with Your peace. Light the path before us, so that we know what is of You.  Thank you that this life is not the end and that we have the hope of heaven that is for us for eternity. Flood her heart with peace and speak calm to her as decisions need to be made, give us wisdom to act for her and for You.

Thursday, May 14, 2015


I have heard of this stage of life.  Caring for aging parents while still raising your own children.  I guess I thought I'd be older.  Ha! Here I find myself, with mother near me, dear to me, needing me and me wanting to be there for her. To be her helper.  It is as slow a process. Much like waiting for a toddler to wander down the road, while looking at every sound, calculating every move, manipulating every bite... slowly.  Meanwhile rocketing towards high school graduation is my oldest. This is uncharted territory, it has frozen me since August.  How do I do this next step and prepare for launching a son? There are enrollment dates, things to accept, things to prepare, things to complete.  If he were eager for his future and seemed ready, I think I'd be Ok, but he is one who seems hesitant to launch.  They are both hesitating to launch to the next step independently and I feel in the middle as helper and yet powerless.  "Get that job application in", I say.  "Did you go to lunch with the others?", I say.  "No", they say.  Choices, they each have choices.  Watching them struggle, one wanting independence but needing help. One wanting help, but needing independence.  Ey, the irony!  No wonder I am up at night ready to shed tears for both of them.  For I remember.  I remember feeling scared, uncertain, intimidated, angry at change maybe I did not choose.  Serenity, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. "That's it!", Charlie Brown yells. I cannot change these things, I must surrender to the role of accompanist.  I can do what I can and that is all I can do and I need not accept responsibility for more than that.  Emotional or physical.   I must do what I can do to ensure safety,  but I cannot rob another of the process.  I can set limits and boundaries as needed, but only for myself.  And pray they do the same.

Thank you Jesus for this time, for I feel you in it and I know You hold the ones I accompany in this process even closer than I do.  Your love for them is far greater.  Help me to both embrace and enjoy this time for it is truly ordained and You do not return void that which is ordained.
Amen and good night!