A month ago Jacob Oden died, a 15 year old, in an instant. Next weekend will mark a year that Mom has been gone. One cannot compare these two things. One a long lived life ending due to a failing body and mind. One tragic and would seem a fluke except for the God that controls all things. We know and accept that He has an appointed time for each one. Each one of us has their days written in His book before one comes to pass. Whether we accept this as true or not does not really matter.
As I ponder the close to this first year, I feel weird. I feel a dread like no, not a full year! Don't let this year end that will make it...something. More final. What can be more final about death's year anniversary. It's been plenty real all year. No spring visit, no fall visit, no Christmas at home, my childhood home. The only home I had except this one. NO opening the door to open arms, familiar sights and smells. Creaky floors, old bedrooms, backwards faucets and scalding water. Golf balls on the wall, wood chips on the porch, fire in the fire place. The street lights shining in our bed room windows. Same old coffee maker, dishwasher, stove, The tree, those lights, the stockings Our house...and all the people and smiles that go with it. There is no replacing it. It was home to me for too long.
Perhaps it brings up a bigger reality. I have never accept KS as my home. I stay here for a couple of years at a time, and go home for Christmas every other year to feel real again. Here I have no close attachments other than my husband and family of procreation (and Bill and Paula). If it weren't for Chris and the kids I would leave here in a heartbeat and head to PA. True story.
I feel like the people that love me best are there. The people I love best are there. Our family, Bill and Paula and...
That's it then. That's the problem...that's the empty I feel.