Why, my soul, are you downcast?

    Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

    for I will yet praise him,

    my Savior and my God Psalms 43:5

I do not mourn as those that have not hope, I mourn because I love.

I had a great, not perfect, mom.

We had similar temperaments and I was the baby. It's real, we are spoiled! She probably had more time for me than my older sibs and I cannot fix or change that.  She was quirky. And look out kids. Lots of people tell me I'm just like her. In the nursing home the aid said I was her twin.  Eeek..and yet precious.  OK shudder a little, but I would rather be goofy like she was and love on and hug on people... than not. Ask silly questions.  Tell silly stories. Kiss every head of every grand kid every morning...yep.  You're in trouble.  Be so stinkin happy trying to find that silver lining because that was her life. I do not know how to appropriate all of this and determine what my role is now.  My very capable sis Cathie McCormick is our matriarch and wow a youngest girl could not ask for a better sister to be her guide and confidant. I had 2 precious "moms". The question now is, who is hosting Christmas and paying for air fare??? I don't know PA I may need to wait another year,  but my prayer is...

Lord, I open my heart and my life to YOU...fill it however You choose

A month ago Jacob Oden died, a 15 year old, in an instant.  Next weekend will mark a year that Mom has been gone.  One cannot compare these two things.  One a long lived life ending due to a failing body and mind.  One tragic and would seem a fluke except for the God that controls all things.  We know and accept that He has an appointed time for each one. Each one of us has their days written in His book before one comes to pass.  Whether we accept this as true or not does not really matter. 

As I ponder the close to this first year, I feel weird.  I feel a dread like no, not a full year!  Don't let this year end that will make it...something. More final.  What can be more final about death's year anniversary.  It's been plenty real all year.  No spring visit, no fall visit, no Christmas at home, my childhood home.  The only home I had except this one.   NO opening the door to open arms, familiar sights and smells.  Creaky floors, old bedrooms, backwards faucets and scalding water.  Golf balls on the wall, wood chips on the porch, fire in the fire place.  The street lights shining in our bed room windows. Same old coffee maker, dishwasher, stove, The tree, those lights, the stockings  Our house...and all the people and smiles that go with it.  There is no replacing it.   It was home to me for too long.  

Perhaps it brings up a bigger reality.  I have never accept KS as my home.   I stay here for a couple of years at a time, and go home for Christmas every other year to feel real again.  Here I have no close attachments other than my husband and family of procreation  (and Bill and Paula).  If it weren't for Chris and the kids I would leave here in a heartbeat and head to PA.  True story.

I feel like the people that love me best are there.  The people I love best are there. Our family, Bill and Paula and...

That's it then.  That's the problem...that's the empty I feel.